I am in rush hour traffic. Yes, I am driving too. Well, when I say driving I mean remaining still with the occasional crawl of a few yards.
I scroll through recent blog comments and one catches my eye. It is from Julia G, a recent comment on an old post ‘Just Keep Swimming’, Julia says she is in recovery but ‘half assing it’. What a brilliant expression and one which so aptly describes L. Not in the deep water of readmission, but not ashore either. Treading water, hoping for a lifeboat which will never come. Unless it’s a lifeboat laden with food, to be eaten by L with the rest of us shouting encouragement at her journey through the water.
The thing about half assed recovery is that it isn’t any kind of recovery at all. It is a pause button and when play starts Ed is still in charge. It is a holding bay, a waiting room, sometimes a refuge from the exhaustion of recovery, but it isn’t actual recovery. As in ‘getting better’. As in discovering a life which isn’t calibrated by three meals and three snacks. As in gaining weight and accepting who you are and not bitterly resisting a change in body shape. Young women like L and Julia deserve so much more than this half assed life.