So, Why Don’t I Just Make Her Eat?

You will have probably worked out that L’s weight is going down. From a flat 53 to a 49kg. To a 16.9 BMI. We are at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. L is striding ahead while I clutch at her arm pleading for her to come back.

But surely, I could just make her eat? Couldn’t I? Well the thing is:

These are the reasons:

1, I’m not here. I’m often late home, out at weekends etc. and when I come home, L has gone to the Boyfriend’s

2, I don’t feel that great either. I want to cry most of the time. I am on high dose antipressants. I have hospital tests pending for another health issue. Feeding an unwilling child takes time, energy and resilience.

3. Others triangulate with an ED. Her dad tells me a soup is enough,my partner tells me she ate as much as him, her friend tells me she ate nothing but she seemed so happy

4. I want her to get as angry as I am. I thought that perhaps if she was given space, she might do this. But the longer I leave her, cutting up apple and making porridge,the longer she is trapped.

5. Because when you have an ED child or a child with a mental illness, everything is a lie. You praise their courage and avoid the stories of their terror at a normal life. You want the world to change around you. You ignore the work you may have to do.

I can’t be therefore every meal and so I am there for none. I despair at my inadequacy. But most of all, I fear for her.

5 responses to “So, Why Don’t I Just Make Her Eat?

  1. You are def not inadequate – you are one of the most loving, committed, dedicated mums I have heard of. So sorry to hear that you are all having such a hard time, and that I haven’t been in touch. xxxxx

  2. I empathise fully ith you. Both your daughter and mine I believe are around the same age (17?), dagnosed the same year (2012)), have been hospitalised, are now stuck/waivering on the edge, and have plans to study medicine. It all sucks. You’d think it would be simple to make our daughters eat wouldn’t you!

  3. You are not inadequate.

    This is the first page I am reading of your blog, so I am not sure how old your daughter is but I presume she is quite young. I am 27, I just recently left inpatient care for anorexia, after struggling with this disorder since I was 12, I can tell you, you are not fighting your daughter, you are fighting the thing inside that controls her. How can you protect your own daughter from herself? I think what you are doing is couragious, without going in too much detail, my own mother spurred on my eating disorder often triggering it. For years I was extremely underweight but no one helped me, I pulled myself out. Then when I started to get ill again, I had to go seek help myself, with a BMI of 13, my parents did not even realise, I only told them I was ill because I was getting admitted into hospital the next day, only my amazing beautiful sister was there very step of the way. I think you are doing an amazing job, because you love your daughter, you are trying and you care! Don’t give up on yourself, it isn’t an easy job when you are constantly fighting with the anoreixa, trust me I know it is a daily battle for me, but keep going I believe you have the strength to help your daughter and that to me is pretty amazing in it self. I hope this messsage helps. xxx

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