An Instagram Message

My frustration with Instagram led me to set up an alternative account as L’s mum to expose some of the lies and duplicity on social media, so today I posted this message to her along with the picture.
To my darling L, as you go back as an inpatient today, you face two fights and you have to choose one or the other. The first one is the fight you have with every person trying to treat you. You can carry on fighting every mouthful or every crumb, choosing fruit over crumble for dessert, choosing the lowest snack, trying to find every chance to avoid and restrict or purge. Winning this fight will give you the right to stay in this hell forever, losing the people who love you, but keeping Ed, who hates you. Your legs will stay thin, but they will never be thin enough.
Or, you can choose to fight your eating disorder. Choosing this fight will be so, so hard, but think of it like swimming across the sea towards everyone who loves you, because right now we feel a long way away. We will cheer you for every stroke, we will jump in the water with you and swim along side, we will roar at the sea monster voices that tell you how weak you are, how huge and disgusting and we will shout over them, telling you how brave, strong and beautiful you are. Again and again you will feel like giving up and we will beg you to keep going. We will love you and support you with every fibre of our beings but we cannot make the journey for you. Once you get to the shore, we will be there. We will celebrate you and keep you warm and we will tell you how wonderful you are. But we can only do this if you keep swimming. Just keep swimming, my love, because you have been lost in the ocean for so long, bobbing between anorexia and an illusion of recovery. You are strong enough, brave enough and loved more than you can ever imagine.

I hope she reads it, but I also hope others do, those who are posting pictures of their ‘safe’ clean foods, not realising the only safety they offer is the continuation of the prison bars of anorexia and every time they restrict or purge, they are choosing a life of torment, or allowing their eating disorder to choose it for them. These are tough words, but sometimes love needs to be tough, because being gentle just isn’t enough.

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4 responses to “An Instagram Message

  1. I fought the S3MHA. Has much as I wanted her home from hospital (admitted 24.11.13) I knew she needed proffessional help that I couldn’t give her. She has refused contact and visits since admission (18.12.13). She is so far away too. We live in North Nottinghamshire and she is in an unit in London.

    • Sorry it was 14.11.13 when admitted. I was told I had saved her life by days because of my persistance. Heart beat 37 bpm. BP 60/30. And the rest. Nottinghamshire has not got a good track record for helping EDs. in 2006, 5 girls died within 7 months at the Thorneywood adolescent unit. On Monday 06.01.14 bbc inside out midlands did a report on the poor health care available for EDs. if you have time it’s still available on bbc I player, it’s the first report. It’s only available until Monday. I have been looking at your blogs as if I had written them myself. (Cried, tissues and cried). Thank you for talking the time to write it all down and to share. X

      • Goodness, that must be so hard for you, both in terms of the distance and her attitude. Well done for doing the best for her, even is spite of her anorexia resisting. Do you know the Around The Dinner Table Forum? Invaluable source of support for carers and also a forum to feedback on specific treatment providers? Keeping everything crossed for you xxx

  2. Today has been the first day I have seen Gigi since she was addmitted. Until today she has refused all calls and requests to visit. We had arranged a meeting with the family therapist and we asked to see her, so the nursing team encouraged her to do so. She hasn’t spoken a word, completely silent, but moved her head to gesture a yes or no. Eventually, she unwrapped her body into a more open frame and Richard got her to smile. She still doesn’t believe she is ill or putting her life at risk. The anorexia is quite strong, but now it has been arranged for her to have a camera free mobile phone, so we can text her. It will be upto her to choose to read them or not. It is really tough, but I say she is safe from herself where she is. Big Hugs x

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