It has been a tough couple of years. I’ve written in detail about Ed and L, sometimes about K and OCD, but only about J and his music. But recently, a long standing difficulty about J reared its head again. So am posting it here, to ask what you think.
J’s Dad, S and I split up in 2003, separating in 2005, in that we sold our house and moved on. He didn’t want to split up. He thought that because he wanted the marriage to continue, it should. He didn’t get that when one person doesn’t love the other, it’s over. And I hadn’t loved him for a long time. I met C in 2001, fell in love with him in 2002 and, well, the rest is history.
Except for S. For two years, he raged about the injustice of our separation. He expected that because he didn’t want a separation that he still had rights. He suggested and on occasions demanded a sex night. Draw your own conclusions. He consistently raged at my infidelity, betrayal and the fact that he had ‘rescued’ me from mental illness and being “unloveable” and how dare I reject him?! He told my small children about my suicide attempt, about my breast cancer tests and all the things I wanted kept from them, just to hurt me. But eventually we separated,
But S kept on coming. He entered the house without knocking. He would come into the kitchen without looking at C or I. But we tried to cope, for the children. A couple of years ago, S turned up with a young woman, A. So lovely. He told me, he couldn’t understand why a 22 year old woman was with a 57 year old man like him. Me neither, I thought, but at last he was moving on. Until J started talking about A a lot. It seemed weird. Then he asked if she could come on holiday. No, was my answer, but I wondered why. Then, I asked S what was going on and he told me that A loved them both and they were sorting it out. My reply text that J was a vulnerable young man, not boyfriend material for A went unanswered.
Then I had to talk to J about this. This was a morning after which J had been with his Dad and A. He arrived in the morning and seemed traumatised. He found cider in the fridge and drank it. Imagine the scene. J appears at 11am, drinking cider. But not only that but he curls up in bed next to me. Later, as I drive him back to school, he tells me that A spent the night in his bed, while at his dad’s house, and sexually assaulted him. He texted his dad to ask for help, but none came. In the dawn hours, A goes back to his dad’s bed and makes noisy love with him. J stays in his bed, feeling like nothing.
It’s such a long story, with police investigations, inquiries, but two years later, S has A to stay for a month. And for J, this is just too much. The fact that his Dad still loves and wants to be with the woman who sexually assaulted him is too, too painful. S doesn’t accept this. He urges J to forgive A, just like he forgave C for falling in love with me and he doesn’t see it’s not the same thing. J is as traumatised today as he was before and I don’t know how to make things better. Except to just love him, be his mum and look after him.
Why can’t life be simple….