I am writing this because I have realised that one day you may find this blog and read it and realise it is you. I haven’t told you about the blog, not because it was private (hey, this is the Internet) but because a space where I could think and feel about how best to help you was important and this worked for me. But I didn’t want you to worry – you worry about so many things and it seems new worries keep appearing, like the anxiety you felt yesterday at the gap between the train and the platform.
I also know I have shown you blogs and Twitter accounts which might help, and in the increasingly small world of the Internet, it is quite likely you might find it. Please don’t be cross that I wrote about you and our life like this. It has helped me to stay calm in a way we both know doesn’t come naturally to me…..
Being your mum is the best thing in the world, nothing else has made me happier and I want to get things right so much. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. What anorexia has taught me is that if I beat myself up, it won’t help you or me. If I want you to love yourself as I love you, then I can only start by loving myself as you love me. That’s quite simple isn’t it? But it took me a long time to learn.
I have thought about telling you about the blog. But of course, you might still not know, so I am leaving this. Like a note in your lunchbox, it is waiting for the time it is needed. If or when you do find it, please tell me.
One more thing, I am sorry I tried to trick you into drinking the wrong drink or eating things with more calories in them than you thought. I was just desperate. It wasn’t me, it was the Rhino that did it. I don’t do it any more, I promise you. I am also sorry that I sometimes get cross with your father and express it here. I have tried to help him understand as well.
By the way, you obviously know your name does not begin with L. I chose L because it stands for Love. You are so loved, by me and K and J, by your father, my partner and your friends as well as your grandparents, uncles and aunts. We all want you not just to be well, but to want to be well. We will wait until you are ready and we will never be tired of being there for you. You are the best, as you so often say to me, brave, beautiful and a young woman who will make the world a much better place. Please try to find the strength to live the wonderful adventure of life that is waiting for you.
All my love