For every action there is a reaction and for every success in helping someone recover from an eating disorder, there is a backlash.
This morning I woke with a sore throat and earache. I dragged myself out of bed to face the breakfast ritual. L and I argued over quantities of granola, I was quiet and firm. I didn’t rush to hug her when the tears started. I was calm and told her that I knew it was hard, but that she needed to do this. I explained that she may not want to eat, but she must.
I went through her meal and snack for school. A pitiful amount of food, possibly 450 calories in total. She cried again and tried to bargain the quantities down. I told her that wasn’t possible. She went to school and we texted each other. I told her I knew it was hard. I realised she had forgotten the plastic case in which she keeps bananas. I texted her and we joked. I told her she should eat it quickly. She said she would.
I didn’t go to work. I felt so ill and exhausted. After going back to bed, I got up, made some tea and sat on the sofa to read. Something fell out of the sofa cushion. A banana and a cereal bar.The banana she said she would eat. She lied to me and I believed her. I really did. I am so angry and feel so stupid. I know its her illness and I know how ill I feel today makes it much worse. I am ready to give up and admit her to hospital. I think we are just delaying the inevitable.