Always the backlash

For every action there is a reaction and for every success in helping someone recover from an eating disorder, there is a backlash. 

This morning I woke with a sore throat and earache.  I dragged myself out of bed to face the breakfast ritual.  L and I argued over quantities of granola, I was quiet and firm.  I didn’t rush to hug her when the tears started.  I was calm and told her that I knew it was hard, but that she needed to do this.  I explained that she may not want to eat, but she must.

I went through her meal and snack for school.  A pitiful amount of food, possibly 450 calories in total.  She cried again and tried to bargain the quantities down.  I told her that wasn’t possible.  She went to school and we texted each other.  I told her I knew it was hard.  I realised she had forgotten the plastic case in which she keeps bananas.  I texted her and we joked.  I told her she should eat it quickly.  She said she would.

I didn’t go to work.  I felt so ill and exhausted.  After going back to bed, I got up, made some tea and sat on the sofa to read. Something fell out of the sofa cushion.  A banana and a cereal bar.The banana she said she would eat.  She lied to me and I believed her.  I really did.  I am so angry and feel so stupid.  I know its her illness and I know how ill I feel today makes it much worse.  I am ready to give up and admit her to hospital.  I think we are just delaying the inevitable. 

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