Seeing L slip away

Her happy hopeful smile has gone. The tears are back. I feel as if anorexia is mocking and smirking. Did I think it was going to be ok? Did I really think a happy few hours writing menu cards would defeat something so powerful, so destructive. Most defeated of all is L. She lies weeping, not heaving sobs, but slow tears, she has no energy for sobbing or wailing. We eat a meal from her menu card. She picks at it, scrutinises each morsel. I don’t know what’s in it, she whispers, you might have put something in it. At times like this, she is a stranger, L is in there somewhere, but possessed by her ED demon. It speaks for her, it tells her she can only trust the disorder, that it is her friend, her only friend.

K is distressed and tries to help. She asks L if she is scared and why. She doesn’t understand but wants to so very much. Eventually L finishes her meal. I hug her and tell her well done, but it feels as if L is no longer there. For the first time, I think that one day, we might lose her.

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2 responses to “Seeing L slip away

  1. Thinking of you all often over the last couple of days, am sorry that today has been one of the difficult, horrible days in this fight.
    You are doing so well fighting together even when L can’t raise the strength today. I do believe you will get there, we can’t pretend it will be easy but I do think that you will.
    I wish there was something that I could do that would make it a bit easier for you, L and your family but I don’t know if there is anything I can do from here.
    Just know that I am thinking of you and wishing with every thing I have that things get better in a way you can really celebrate and stand proud, not going backwards ever again. You are all already strong, stronger than many. You do have the strength to do this…
    Sending you love and hugs,
    take care

    • Thank you so much. I just read your blog and I am so touched that you found the time to send L and me good wishes when things are also tough for you. I was really inspired by your story of trying to beat the bullies at school. And yes, if you could do that, I can stay strong for L. Sending you every good wish in return – you have made a bleak time more bearable xx

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