L’s sister, K, reads this blog. I told her about it, partly because I thought it would be a good place for her to understand how I feel and how I think L feels, without endless conversations, which I think she finds wearing. So I am writing this for her. She is not with us, she is at home with her father and brother. And I miss her.
I miss her inquiring yet challenging discussions. I miss her forced cheeriness when the rest of us are stressed out. I miss her intense look of concentration as she reads a book. Reading is her favourite thing in the world.
It is lovely to have this time with L. A treacherous part of my brain thinks how lovely it would be if I didn’t have to measure every space between a meal and a snack, to coax, encourage or just insist that L eats. If I didn’t have to see her distress as I broach another meal milestone, to fight with her six times a day, when I just want to relax and forget anorexia for a while. K would provide the antidote to that. She will eat, or not eat, but it is never an issue. We could go eat calamari together which she enjoys, as do I. And I wonder if it solely her wish to stay at home that meant she didn’t come, or if she too wanted to escape L and her eating disorder. Things are difficult between them at the moment. L feels K is hostile and angry and I try to explain that I think her anger is with the anorexia and its corrosive blight on our lives. K doesn’t understand why L can’t just eat and while part of her wants to understand, another part of her wants to pretend it doesn’t exist. Or use her devastating powers of logic to show L how stupid it is so that L will come to her senses. at least I think that’s what she thinks. K is intensely private and finds the world a bewildering place. Which it is, of course.
So, K, if you are reading this, we miss you. Yes, even L misses you. But we hope you are happy, tucked away in your bedroom, tapping on your MacBook. You are a magnificently unique young woman and we both love you more than you can imagine. See you when we get back. Mum