A Lack of L

The French for “I miss you” is “tu me manques”, hard to translate, but essentially “You are missing or lacking from me.”. I am glad L is an inpatient and it isn’t that I miss her, but that the house is lacking her. There is evidence everywhere of her and Ed. The cheese spread she eats, the different types of cereal, granola bars and whole meal rolls in the freezer, ones we argued over in Tescos for ages. I find myself eating the breakfasts she ate, cereal with raisins and banana, and preparing it, I half expect to look up and see her walk to the fridge to fill a glass with juice to complete her meal.

When I first went to university, my father, to whom I was so close, only wrote one letter. English was not his first language and he struggled to write it, even though he spoke fluently. The letter said


I hope you are having a good time and working hard. We are all well but we miss you. The house is now tidy and there is cheese in the fridge

All my love


I laughed and cried at this letter but I didn’t really know what he meant until today.
She is absent and our home lacks her, but I do not miss her, because she is in a safe place, getting better. This weekend we are going away over night and next week C is taking me away for my birthday. To know that L will be getting the best care is a huge relief.


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