L’s psychologist phoned today to discuss home leave this weekend. I immediately launched into the story of the Moroccan Chicken, saying how pleased I was and how significant this was. She responded cautiously and as if picking her way through landmines. L’s team had discussed this weekend and as she is still struggling with extra portions they do not believe she should be allowed home this week. I was really disappointed. I asked why, when I was quite happy to make sure L ate, when it could be a boost for her. I had asked how many calories they recommended in a meal in a previous call and inquired as to whether she had found out the answer. It was explained to me, as though to an idiot, that obsessive calorie counting wasn’t helpful. I responded as politely as I could, that I wasn’t thinking of putting a label with the calorie content next to Ls plate but that it might be helpful for ME to know. It was still refused. Actually I can work it out for myself, but I felt angry at being treated like this. L is their patient, but she is my daughter and I can be trusted to care for her.
She asked me what we normally had for a weekend meal. I told her that we didn’t have a set menu like that, we had a varied diet and there are countless meals we regularly cook. By now I was really fed up. I could tell I was going into teenager mode. I wanted to say how unfair it was. When she asked if that was ok, I replied it would have to be. I really felt like rolling my eyes and saying “Whatever”. But I am the adult. I could tell them that I am taking L out and we are eating at home and it is just tough. But I need L to have faith in them and accept their authority. I asked them to give their decision to her and that she would be disappointed.
This will be L’s fourth weekend in the unit. There are no words to say how much I miss her and how every day brings a new reminder of what she is losing and the gap in our family caused by her absence. I am struggling to cope myself. I now have new antidepressants, but they will take time to work. I am tearful and anxious much of the time and am coping (or not coping) with a demanding job, working around 50 hours a week. But life is just tough sometimes and we have to get through. I have to believe that the professionals know best. Apart from when my doctor tells me to take time off, of course….
L will be at least home this weekend. We will have time together. In three weeks time she wants to attend her best friends 16th birthday weekend. This is looking extremely unlikely and what should be a fantastic time for L, will be taken from her by Ed. I woke up hopeful, but now I feel angry with the world. I will put on a good show for L this evening, it is the least I can do