It has been an absolutely draining week. Not just because of L, there have been real problems with L’s father and an incident which was really difficult for J. I have felt ill too, waking up in the early hours with palpitations, followed by extreme dizzy spells when getting up. I feel as if I am underwater. Anxiety, of course. Exhaustion and anxiety, a toxic mix.
Last night L and I went to the 6th form college open evening. She was excited and animated, nd it was wonderful to see. In my head I thought, look, here is your life, going on in the outside world, just waiting. A world where clever young women plan futures and feel that breathless excitement of being on the edge of adult life, a time when you know everything, before responsibilities start to weigh too heavily. L looks around, exploring the science labs where she sees herself studying.
And now it is Friday. The kitchen is stocked with food. There is a fire crackling in the grate, our first of the year. I have a glass of wine. L is studying the application form for college. J is in London, with his father, visiting music schools and spending time with relatives. K has a revision plan for half term next week. This afternoon, L and I went to a cafe and ate cake together. It was hard for L, but she kept going, dividing the cake into small pieces and each small piece into minute mouthfuls. We shopped for wool, and she went back to the unit, until I collected here this evening. As we drove home, she ranted about the unfairness of one other resident not being allowed weekend leave. She was passionate and animated, arguing a compelling case. I like this decidedly un-meek L. I love all the versions of L, but I like her best when strong and on a mission.
We get home, I cook risotto. L has eaten at the unit, but has her snack as C and I eat. We argue, good naturedly about Jimmy Savile, child benefit and the Internet. It is after dinner now. C is watching a wildlife programme. The cats are snoozing by the fire. It has been a really tough week, in a difficult year. This weekend I will feel frustrated and defeated by anorexia; L will be upset and unhappy. But we spend so much time pondering the yesterdays and tomorrows, that we miss the here and now. The now is perfect, calm and peaceful. Excuse me while I enjoy every moment of it.