Managing Anxiety

I planned a chilled out day – my work meeting was cancelled and I had a vision of spending the day on the sofa with L, watching TV or knitting. But it didn’t work out like that. I woke up, feeling as tired as ever. The laundry baskets were all overflowing, the bathroom needed cleaning, on a dark stormy day, half the lightbulbs needed replacing. We needed food too, the ingredients for L’s familiar meals and snacks were missing. I know housework shouldn’t matter, but my own obsessive compulsive behaviours are just too strong. There is a constant clamouring that if I can clean the house from top to bottom, things will be calm. The thing is, I just don’t know where to start. As well as cleaning, L needs to eat. That should be all that matters, but I can see that she is too distressed but the mess.

I start at the top of the house, in our bedroom. There are clothes everywhere, some clean, some dirty . I arrange washing into piles and take it to the utility room, which is in chaos, clean clothes, interspersed with cat food bowls. I seem to end up running from the top to the bottom of the house and everywhere in between. I hoover, put clothes away, empty dishwashers and all the time, I know L needs to eat. She becomes more jittery and edgy as the Fluoxetine takes effect. But I am getting just as bad. Amid the increasing anxiety is anger at why this is always my job. My partner C is retired, is it too much to expect he could have done the washing, changed lightbulbs? But, of course, it is. I have a fully blown panic attack, which I have to try and keep hidden from L. I just keep running, cleaning and tidying.

Eventually C comes back from the shops and L eats lunch. We make cake for J’s birthday supper later. I make curries, L sits by the fire. I am supposed to be helping her with anxiety, not dealing with my own. But there never seems to be enough time. Life constantly feels like running up a fast moving escalators with the end getting further away.

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One response to “Managing Anxiety

  1. Ive got no wose words, but just wanted to say Ive read your post and understand those chaotic type of days.
    Do you have any medication for the anxiety attacks? I was on propanolol for some time, it works readlly well, now Im on citolopram, which has a betablocker built in Im told.
    I hope are feeling a little better since writing your post. For me, I find just writing everything down on my blog gets it all off my chest even if no one were to read it!
    Big hugs
    xxx

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