If you want to know what an ED day feels like, this is it. After the toast and the tears, I remind L of her snack. She has eaten it already. I wonder if this is true. She then mentions her sleepover this evening. I tell her she can’t go unless I take her evening snacks and ask her friends mum to supervise. Alternatively, her friend can come here. Both these options meet an angry response. She wants to be normal. Just for an evening. Of course, real normal is eating snacks at a sleepover. Not eating is what she means by normal. It is such a hard argument. Because I want her to be normal too, and my normal is anorexia free.
She storms upstairs, her door slams and I hear piercing screams. This is good, anger is an emotion which is normal, especially when expressed by screams and banging. J comes downstairs, seeming puzzled. I explain that it is L who is cross. This is unfamiliar territory.
I make an omelette for her lunch – I need to just keep swimming too. With two slices of triangle bread, a semi circle omelette and salad leaves, I construct a smiley face on the plate. I go up two flights to Ls bedroom and bring her down. Her tears are not halted by the smiling plate. We fight and I write this blog post and refuse to engage. She leaves crusts and I tell her to eat them. Other days, I would relent, but at the moment it is war. Me vs Ed, with a weeping L between us