Slipping backwards….

Times are tough this week. L has lost a kilogram. In a week when I was away. Because she always does. Even though I try hard not to blame myself, those are the facts. I go away, I stop pursuing her eating and the weight comes off. In family therapy, the therapist seems to think I am some controlling obsessive. I am just trying to make my daughter well again by getting her to eat, to change her eating patterns, to be strong enough to recover. On Monday, l has dental surgery, five teeth will be removed, followed by braces. Exams are coming up. Life is not getting easier.

I don’t blame myself. But I feel so, so sad. There aren’t words that describe the sense of loss I feel at my utterly beloved daughter slipping away like this. I hold her, but it feels as if anorexia is filling her up inside and I am only holding her shell. I feel grief, hopelessness and despair. I feel the way L feels – defeated. But most of all I feel betrayed – because it hurts so much that my love for her isn’t enough. Love is supposed to be the strongest force in the world. I know this. I’ve read Harry Potter. Surely a million songwriters can’t be wrong. If I could harness the anger which is squashed flat under the misery I would find out where that bastard Paul McCartney lives, hammer down the door and scream, “you said All We Need Is Love, and you were bloody wrong, you effing idiot”. When I think L is getting her life back again, Ed steps in and steals her back, sucking out any happiness she has found, like a Dementor. And without a Patronus, to drive him away, I am powerless. A good mum, possibly a great mum. But a powerless one right now.

*if you haven’t read any Harry Potter, some of that might last paragraph might not make sense.

7 responses to “Slipping backwards….

  1. You are an eff-ing brilliant mum. Just bloody fantastic. This was always going to be two steps forward and one step back. Its like that for everyone. And she has made so much progress up until now. Not all that hard work has come undone. Recovery is never one upward curve. Full of bumps and little dips but she will get there. I know it. My thoughts are with you. I think you are just amazing. So much love xxx

  2. Well OMM, you are a POWERFUL, your Love is powerful and yeah, when it comes to ED, Paul McCartney got it wrong and I would be happy to help you knock down that front door. Yes, it takes time for ED to loosen its grip, but eventually, as she gains, ED becomes just that much weaker. I remember this point in K’s battle – I thought it would never end; It does. Wondering during the darkest moments if it would ever go away; it does. Feeling overcome with grief, guilt, doubt, beating myself into such an anxious state that nothing ever seemed to go well because, well, ED was there and all consuming.

    I’m here to say, good for you by venting, let it out and I suspect it must be wine o’clock when the last meal or snack of the day is done and dusted. I recall falling into bed each and every evening for so long, feeling utterly exhausted; however, I always knew that a good night’s sleep would give me the energy to battle again, somehow, we always do until finally, the worst of ED fizzles away.

    Stay strong, you are strong and so sadly, we all go through this. My beautiful K is stronger now, very independent and maintaining her weight. There are other issues, but we will overcome them eventually.
    Hang in there and thank you, as always, for sharing – I hope it is a therapeutic process. Oh, and for the dental stuff, mine went through the same and sailed through it in spite of ED 🙂
    With love and hugs,
    G x

  3. You’re a brilliant mum. I read somewhere that recovery is a bit like a line- generally going up but with loops in so that there are times when it feels like everything’s going down. I don’t know why, but that helps me to remember when it seems really difficult.
    To follow the Harry Potter analogy: the characters all struggled to produce patronuses at first and when already worn down. Even Hermione couldn’t produce a perfect one. Its like that with anorexia I think, hospital gives the lessons and theory of recovery but applying those tools to life outside is hard and it takes some adjustment and bloody hard work to apply them out of hospital.
    Your love and support for L and your whole family is inspiring and L is so very lucky to have you supporting her. Stay strong OMM, thinking of you x

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