The title of the previous post and this one might make more sense if I explained the context. Last week was L’s date of discharge from hospital and it should have been the event of the week. Unfortunately it ended up being a little overshadowed. Firstly by my mum breaking her ankle badly while out walking in the Peak District. After a helicopter rescue and surgery, she is discharged from hospital. Bit she can do nothing for herself. She can hop on crutches, but cannot carry a cup of tea or a plate and as she lives alone, this makes life difficult. I am wracked with guilt and know I should go up to see her and look after her. I wonder if I can work a way around work commitments – and then C cracks a rib. He too, becomes completely incapacitated.
It is as if someone has kicked away my own crutches. At least the insomnia has a purpose as I have company through the night, but in the form of a partner in severe pain. Instead of lying awake and plotting my escape from work, I fetch drinks and painkillers and try make him comfortable. The morning comes and there are breakfasts to make, lunches to pack, cats to feed and laundry to put away, all before leaving home at 7.30, I arrive home on Monday and C is still in bed. The mug of tea from the morning is still there, along with the washing in the machine. There is no dinner cooked – after a year of C’s retirement, this comes as a shock. I had failed to realise how much he does, how much I rely on him.
It is a tough week. L’s discharge deserves a whole separate post, but aside from that, C continues to be unwell and my mum is no better. Work seems impossible and by the end of the week there are multiple grievances lodged against changes I am trying to make and I spend hours drafting responses and attempting to make progress. A really valued group of colleagues refuse to even meet with me to discuss the situation. I feel utterly defeated. Sleep is impossible and as the week ends, I drive up to Sheffield with L. I am so tired and I know I am unfit to drive. But there is no crash, we arrive safely and as usual, the world keeps turning and I just keep on going. We are all of us just hobbling along, hoping to just keep going.