L’s exams start in earnest next week. At CAMHS, despite her decreasing weight, we agree that perhaps the best thing is for her to focus on getting through her exams and then start gaining weight afterwards. Possibly gaining the weight back, before we start on gaining the weight she needs in order to regain periods, prevent her bone density being irrevocably damaged. Or more damaged. Because, it probably already is.
It feels as if recovery is always just around the corner, after the next hill is climbed. I urge L to keep going, to try harder, but she tells me she is trying as hard as she can. I absolutely know that she needs to eat more, but I am just not here. I am struggling to keep up with work and every day brings new tasks and I get more tired. I am not up for breakfast,not here for lunch and often not home for dinner. And while C is wonderful and cooks, he doesn’t get food ready early enough for L to eat her snacks and I am not home early enough to do this either. He drinks wine most days throughout the day and if i ask him to prepare dinner earlier, he gets angry and defensive. I feel utterly overwhelmed and defeated.
But perhaps it is the right thing to do, to wait until the exams are over and to start again all over. However, after her exams, I will not have any more time or any less to do. But this is about one step after another and when it is all too hard, as it often is, I just have to think about that one step. Sometimes that step is just to the sofa, to lie and sob as quietly as possible so no one hears. It works though. I dry my eyes, write a blog post and think it isn’t that long till bedtime.