I am in rush hour traffic. Yes, I am driving too. Well, when I say driving I mean remaining still with the occasional crawl of a few yards.
I scroll through recent blog comments and one catches my eye. It is from Julia G, a recent comment on an old post ‘Just Keep Swimming’, Julia says she is in recovery but ‘half assing it’. What a brilliant expression and one which so aptly describes L. Not in the deep water of readmission, but not ashore either. Treading water, hoping for a lifeboat which will never come. Unless it’s a lifeboat laden with food, to be eaten by L with the rest of us shouting encouragement at her journey through the water.
The thing about half assed recovery is that it isn’t any kind of recovery at all. It is a pause button and when play starts Ed is still in charge. It is a holding bay, a waiting room, sometimes a refuge from the exhaustion of recovery, but it isn’t actual recovery. As in ‘getting better’. As in discovering a life which isn’t calibrated by three meals and three snacks. As in gaining weight and accepting who you are and not bitterly resisting a change in body shape. Young women like L and Julia deserve so much more than this half assed life.
One More Mum's Blog 
This is a brilliant post and I think important. I know I get sucked into the whole ‘I’m eating, i’m not critical anymore so i’m recovering’ thinking when actually that’s not recovery. My mum describes it as a bit like watching someone on a tight rope who’s stopped and is just balancing. The silent majority watching, cheering on quietly and not wanting to break the person’s concentration in case they fall. Anorexia jeering on the other side. And there really being only two options- to move forward or fall because you cant stay balancing forever.
Sorry that’s a bit of a jumbled way of saying thank you for this post- I know I needed to read it- and I hope that L finds a way to hear everyone cheering her on and move forward.
Thanks Becca, please try moving forward. You have so, so much waiting for you back at uni, and afterwards. You have your family, your friends, your music – life really won’t cease to have meaning once Ed goes. It will be a whole new life filled with possibilities. Lots of love, OMM x x
That is exactly what is happening in my family as well. People ask how my daughter is doing and I respond that she has learned to “manage” her ED , her weight never drops so low that she is in residential but she has never broken away fromvthe tyranny of ED’s voice. She feels as though she is in recovery but when I watch her slice off a piece of chicken breast because she thinks it’s too big I know we have a ways to go. On the positive side however, this is the first holiday season in two years that she hasn’t been in a residential treatment facility. We are making some progress.
Oh my goodness.. thank you so much. If you only knew how much this has affected me. I have read every post of yours at least twice, and I hope you know that since i have posted that, I hav eaten everything I have needed to and severely cut down on my exercise. Seeing how much pain L’s disease has caused you has instilled an anger in me for the terror i have put my parents through. I am going to recover & it is majorly due to you. Thank you.
Oh Julia, this brought tears to my eyes. In a good way, thank you so much xxxxx