There has been an uneasy edge to our world for a while now. Like the yellow and grey unnatural light before a storm hits, as gusts of wind foreshadow chaos, it has felt as if we are heading to a much more turbulent time. I am not well enough to deal with this, sleep depravation and crippling depression are rendering me incapable of the daily battle. Today I am working at home so I can speak to the psychiatrist who visits us at home. We are both quite clear that L needs to gain weight and eat under supervision. Ten minutes after leaving announces she is meeting friends for lunch in town. I make clear this is not going to happen. She begs and pleads in the whiny grating voice and today the brick wall crumbles. I beg her to stop, that I don’t feel well enough and she continues. I beg her again to stop. She doesn’t – and I lose it. I tell her I can’t go on – I get as far as the medicine cabinet with some wild idea that I will shove tablets down my throat because I have no idea how to make her stop. And I can’t take it, I know I can’t. I sob and cry as C grabs me. L leaves the kitchen and says she is leaving home. K and I hold her and stop her and she screams and struggles. I cry and beg her to stop struggling. She howls and claws at her hair. She shouts that we are abusing her and we hold tighter. She wants to die. C comes in and she clutches at him, pleading with him to help her. I sob at the sight of this and C breaks down too.
The CAMHS Doctor turns up again and spends time calming L. Eventually she eats lunch. An assessment of her suicide risk is made and we are advised to keep her under close supervision. Everything certain about our life is being unpicked one seam at a time.