Broken

I read a comment in some thread on Instagram from a friend of L’s “Life doesn’t throw more at you than you can handle,”. Aside from the idiocy of mental health advice dispensed by teenagers, I despair at the idea that somehow everything will be all right. Today I broke. After getting up despite still feeling ill with flu and planning a breakfast in bed for L on a new tray I thought she would like and with tea in a campervan mug, she appeared downstairs. She immediately rejected the porridge and I tried to ignore the whining voice and carry on. But something snapped. Not in a rage or storm, but in the way I know from before. The point at which you know you’re done. Anorexia always wins, L’s constant determination to fight every attempt to help, to meet every act of love with hostility and anger has broken me. Love doesn’t conquer all, Anorexia is so much stronger. I go back to bed and stay there all day. I really don’t know when or if I can get back up again.

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8 responses to “Broken

  1. By tomorrow, you will have become stronger again because of your rest today. You will be able to get up and you will fight with renewed strength. Hang in there!

  2. I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now but not get commented. There will come a time when L will be able to reflect back on these arguments and tantrums with more insight and maturity, and she’ll thank you and apologise. Keep being consistent and continue to say that you love her (& not what the anorexia is currently making her) as you are, because that’s so important. Hold tight.

  3. How I wish there was something I can do to make things better for you, L and your family. If there is, please tell me, anything, I want to help if I can. Please remember that you are loved, take care of yourself, take as many days in bed as you need. I can’t promise that it will be okay but no matter what, there are people who believe in you all and who will do whatever we can to help. Love and hugs, L xxx

  4. Oh OMM, I remember all too well being the recipient of that teenage hostility and anger. It is simply hideous when the child you love so much has turned into what seems to be some kind of monstrous being invading the peace and comfort of your home. When the place where you used to feel safe turns into a constant battle zone. When all the acts that used to demonstrate your love are rejected .

    I don’t know if you will wake up tomorrow refreshed and renewed, ready to battle again. I do know your tenacity, but I also know that like all of you have a limit. If you really have reached yours – and that seems quite possible after everything you have had thrown at you – then please contact CAMHS and tell it how it is. Or get C, or somebody else you trust, to do it for you.

    Perhaps now L needs more care and support than you are able to give her at the moment. Ed is clever and knows that your emotional entanglement can make you vulnerable as her carer. It really sounds to me as though it is time for somebody who is professionally separated from L needs to take control. Sometimes we have no choice but to stand back and let others do what is needed. Maybe then you can find the stability and relative calm that you will need in order to recover your own health.

    It is bad enough to see Ed overwhelming one wonderful human being, without other members of L’s family being destroyed as collateral damage of this evil condition. And that is what seems, from your blogs, to be happening. If there is anything I can do to help you know where I am. Sending love and hugs to you all xxx

  5. Please ring CAMHS and let them know the effect all this is having on you. I had to do this with my D when the refusals just got too much. You owe it to yourself and to the rest of your family, including L. By CAMHS admitting L she will be safe and you will get some respite.

  6. I am so sorry to here how much you, your family, and your daughter have been struggling. Anorexia is such a cruel disease. I really do think your daughter needs to be in an inpatient enviroment where they can help here work through her disease. Sometimes the eating disorder is just too strong to treat it at home.

  7. Oh how I see myself in your blog post! So many times I have felt that I just didn’t have one more ounce of fight left in me to help my D in the battle against AN! I’ve wanted, at times, to go to bed and stay there, to run away and never come back, to smash things (not people), to scream, cry…you name it. Filled with utter frustration and devastated by exhaustion, there have been many days when I’ve said to myself (and anyone who would listen), “I just can’t anymore”. So I went to bed, I handed off the battle for a few hours or a day or whatever to my husband. I gathered any troops I could call up and told them they had to be on the front lines for a while so that I can regroup. It helped. Sure , it didn’t end the war against AN, but it did help me get to the next day ,minute or hour. I’m sorry you and your family have to deal with this. It sucks. Big time. Call on your troops so that you can get off the front lines for a little while and reload. Wishing you peace and love on this awful but most important journey. ❤

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