ED Lies

I don’t think I will ever get used to the way anorexia makes my daughter lie to me. L isn’t a liar. The trust between us used to be so enduring and now if there is a choice between being true to anorexia or lying to me it is always the latter that wins.

Today L made banana muffins. I looked at the recipe which was entirely fat free and insisted she added egg yolks. Later, K and I look at the muffins. I wonder if she did as I asked. Checking the food bin I find three eggshells, each with a yolk neatly inside. When L comes downstairs I ask her if she put the egg yolks in. She says Yes with a smile. I ask her again, with a family saying “Do you swear on my life?” “Yes,” she says emphatically. My heart contracts and breaks a little. I tell her I know the truth and then tell her that her snack must be at least two muffins. J supervises her snack.

This latest lie answers my earlier question. The person who looks like L, talks like L and feels like a skeletal version of her, is not her. Ed has taken her over nearly completely. We can’t do this alone


2 responses to “ED Lies

  1. Alone
    Lying, thinking
    Last night
    How to find my soul a home
    Where water is not thirsty
    And bread loaf is not stone
    I came up with one thing
    And I don’t believe I’m wrong
    That nobody,
    But nobody
    Can make it out here alone.

    Alone, all alone
    Nobody, but nobody
    Can make it out here alone.

    There are some millionaires
    With money they can’t use
    Their wives run round like banshees
    Their children sing the blues
    They’ve got expensive doctors
    To cure their hearts of stone.
    But nobody
    No, nobody
    Can make it out here alone.

    Alone, all alone
    Nobody, but nobody
    Can make it out here alone.

    Now if you listen closely
    I’ll tell you what I know
    Storm clouds are gathering
    The wind is gonna blow
    The race of man is suffering
    And I can hear the moan,
    ‘Cause nobody,
    But nobody
    Can make it out here alone.

    Alone, all alone
    Nobody, but nobody
    Can make it out here alone.
    Maya Angelou

  2. That’s a lovely response OnTheWay. And so true. We were at the point of admission this time 8 years ago. I had all the feelings of failure and “wouldn’t it be better if we could do it at home” that you’ve described so eloquently. I’m now, years on and with a child who is well and adult enough to ask for help herself and gather other people as well as me to ensure that she is not alone, rather angry at those, including my former self, who made admission feel like failure. It was just a necessary step. Would it have been better taken earlier? Possibly. Would it have been easier if it could have been partial (day-patient, part-time, stepped) maybe, but that wasn’t practical. Would extra help at home have made it avoidable? Hmmmm, I rather doubt it.
    ED does lie, and do all sorts of other unspeakable things to the sufferer. Take as much help as you can get to kick ED where it hurts, and keep kicking until it is driven away.

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