L moves out

I was in Stratford upon Avon on Saturday and flicking through Instagram, I see a post from L that sticks a knife into my heart. She describes that she is moving out of our house to live with her dad. It as is if someone is twisting my insides round and round. I realised that her father had told me L was coming over to collect some things while I was out to make her room at his house more comfortable. But “moving out”. This is so final and heartbreaking. I comment on her post and text her, to try and make this stop. The comment is deleted and later she claims I kicked her out.

This was supposed to be a period for us to have quality time together, but this weekend I don’t see her at all. I ask her to come up, but she is at her boyfriend’s house. It transpires she has been there most of the weekend, except for a lunch of jacket potatoes and salad with her dad (no dessert) and it is clear she is restricting. I ask her father and L why he is not supervising meals and am told there is no need to do this and it is no longer anything to do with me.

L and I end up screaming and crying on the phone. I try not to but it is such a deep and physical sense of loss. She has been ripped from me and I can’t get her back. After she admits I haven’t kicked her out, she tells me that the unit advised her to move out and to have no involvement with me at meals or snacks, except agreed quality time between them. A maximum of an hour and a half at the most. Not even time to see a film, once travel to and from the unit is taken into account.

Today I have a meeting with the unit. They agree that her father has failed in his agreed responsibilities but insist he must be given a chance. I would give anything to be given such a chance. They hedge over whether they advised her to move out, but agree they have said it would be best if she stayed with her father. Except, of course, she doesn’t. She stays at her boyfriend’s. His family get to watch TV with her, go shopping, have breakfast together and go out to restaurants. I am not even allowed to see her in this visit to the unit, not even to say hello, even though Monday is an open visiting day. I ask how long this is for and am told, for now, but it is temporary. I ask about L’s weight over the weekend and of course, she lost weight. But they still want to persist. I make it crystal clear that despite having been ill and being ambivalent that I am in no doubt I want to be involved in her care. I refute their claims that this is for my good, as it has completely destroyed the small progress I had made since being signed off work and I now feel in the grip of the worse depression I have ever known. I tell them and I later text L to make clear that I want to see her whenever she wants and will visit when ever. I sit in the car park, crying too hard to drive and hoping against hope that she will text me, asking me to come in. Or even that there might be a glimpse of her at the window. Nothing.

I drive home eventually and get on with clearing J’s room for replastering next week and take K to the shop to choose carpet. These small tasks are comforting in themselves. But I feel broken and as if I will never be well again. It is like bereavement, with no funeral. Anorexia has edged it’s way in and won and I am out. I have changed the words on this blog as for now, there is nothing I can do, or am allowed to do to help L. I need to get better, but this nightmare situation is making everything so much worse.

Update: L asked me to visit this evening, which was such a relief.


6 responses to “L moves out

  1. I so feel for you. My severely anorexic daughter left home in November less than a week after I had a double mastectomy for breast cancer. She too claims that we kicked her out – we didn’t. My heart is broken. I have hardly heard from her since. She states that we tried to control her life and she needs to be by herself – heartbreaking and worrying because she needed encouragement to eat. Anorexia wins again.

  2. Oh my goodness that really is such an intense and personal blow. It must feel like the worst pain imaginable and my heart goes out to you.
    Mental illness is affecting all of your relationships right now but is undoubtably temporary.
    Both you and L will come through this stronger and closer I am very sure. Because you are so close that this feels so acute.
    You love L and she loves you. So much that seeing others pain must be to much for you both.
    Let yourself feel the pain but be under no illusions you have done your best and are both much loved by so many.
    Keep putting those feet in fron of each other and I know you will eventually find the light. But do be kind to yourself in the meantime

  3. I’m so, so sorry that you are being treated this way. We all grieve for our children and our lost family life when our beautiful babies are taken into hospital but this is a different level. I struggle to understand their thought process as to how this will help L and yourself as now there is another issue to resolve and come to terms with, one that they have been part of creating. Remember that you are a great mum and unfortunately we as mums as well as our daughters are fighting against a devious, nasty, vicious and illogical illness and it’s easier for our daughters to seek company with people who yes do love and care for them but don’t challenge the illness and allow them to continue to live by the rules of the illness. Sending you huge hugs and lots of love xxxx

  4. Oh heck, how awful. For you and for L. We all know how much you love her and she you. But Ed has her firmly in control at the moment. I really can’t see where the Unit is going with this strategy. It doesn’t seem to be making anything better st the moment. Is there any way at all that L could be moved to a specialist Ed unit somewhere. It feels to me that the treatment is unfocused and fumbling. I know how unimaginably sad and lonely you must be feeling. Hang in there and know that your friends care about you and what you are going through. Love and hugs xxx

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