This is a different blog now. L is well now, or better. She eats bread and her meals are no longer rigid. She has periods, boyfriends, she drinks cider without thinking.
Time to zoom out. To her family. Somehow in the chaos of trying to survive, C and I don’t. At least not as a couple. We’ve lived in the wreckage too long. We coped in different ways and in those ways did each other harm. I tried to build a new life. It went so badly wrong. I thought there might be a different world out there and lunged towards it, only to find myself bruised against a glass divide. It wasn’t real. I lie back, wondering what’s next. We’re all watching L stride off into the distance. We think she’ll be ok. Where we lie is a sign of our clumsy attempts to save her. But somehow, in the dark, I can feel the cold breath of loneliness against my cheek I want to get back to a different life, where my happiness matters. It just all feels too hard. Much too hard.